Desire To Ascend

Having worked much harder in the last 2 months than in the last 2 years I have recently started experiencing a sense of inadequacy. The efforts that I had put in have yielded decent results. However, now I get the feeling that I have escaped the pond and arrived at the ocean. I see big fish swimming in the water and looking at myself, I feel like a baby fish freshly hatched.
But rather than fear or hesitation, it is excitement that I am filled with. I wish to play with the big dogs in the yard. But above all else, I wish to ascend. I wish to see the world in a different way... a better way! I want to be above all petty desires and wants. I want to move on. The journey will not be easy but I shall persevere. But sometimes I feel helpless.... because I feel that time is slipping through my fingers. Either, I need more time or I need to be more efficient. I need to improvise. These changes are new to me and I am slow at processing them for now but I shall soon learn to handle them properly and experience growth. The only way ahead for me is to work hard and learn new things while preserving in mind all the basic knowledge I have acquired so far. Work hard but expect nothing...... that way I will work for the sake of working... a purpose in a purposeless world. In spite of knowing that there is nothing at the end of the tunnel I still wish to go ahead because I have to know my limits. I shall try to do what Vegeta and Trunks (Future) did to get to the next level. But I must remember to not discard my constitution and always keep in mind the ones I love and care for. That will make my ascension complete. I will write about further developments as the changes manifest.

Losing My Cherry: It Was Awesome In Retrospect

No you pervert, I was not talking about my first time with a woman (I am still pure that way). Head out of the gutter and move on.

While listening to the "Immigrant Song" by Led Zepplin I was reminded of School of Rock. I was on a repeat view marathon (of the movie) around October to December of 2012. The memories came flooding in.

My coming to Japan all started from there I think. I can also say that coming to Japan was inevitable but the events in 2012 consolidated it.

Calm down! School of Rock did not get me here..... COLING did.

COLING, short for Computational Linguistics, is one of the top level conferences for Natural Language Processing and it was the conference in which I had my first ever international publication. People usually start out with smaller conferences but I made the big score on my first try. I had lost my "Research Paper" virginity and that too at a high level. Is that not kind of like getting laid by the hottest girl in class ? ..... but hey....... what do I know how that really is like ?
I was highly sceptical of getting an acceptance but it worked out well. It was then that I had my first taste of power..... UNLIMITED POWER..... well not quite.... but in my head it was an achievement. I loved the feeling and decided to get myself some more... which lead me to where I am now.

Since COLING 2012 was held in IITB and organized by my guide Prof Pushpak I was inducted into the organizing committee. I was the Quartermaster and the ElectroMan, two responsibilities which I enjoyed and accomplished well. I met my current guide (Sadao Kurohashi/BlackBridge) in COLING (courtesy of PB Sir OFC) which was a bit of an embarrassing event since I tried to show off my nascent Japanese skills and was immediately corrected. That shit is going to haunt me forever. ( Wait a minute..... PB and BB...... nice combo )

However Prof BB was more than willing to take me on as an internship student 6 months later (again courtesy of PB sir.... damn.... I owe a shit load to him). This eventually led to many changes in me which led to more work which led to here.

Anyways..... I just wanted this to be written down somewhere. So there you have it.

Have to get back to work.

Lost In Ourselves: Ignoring The Pain Of Others

Yesterday, while cycling to the university campus I experienced bipolar emotions within the span of a minute, varying from feeling ecstatic to empathizing with another person.

I was on one of the many bridges of Kamogawa river which often afford me the luxury of seeing a section of Kyoto city from end to end. On one end lies a mountain range and on the other lies a developed section of the city which abuts the river. I often am quite touched by this view which brings contentment, leading me to appreciate the life I have. Yesterday was different.

I saw from afar a woman pushing a wheelchair in which was perhaps a friend or relative who was apparently incapable of walking (permanently, by the way the person was seated). I am not stranger to such sights but as I approached this pair I was stung by the look on the face of the person in the wheelchair. All I could see was sadness, no pain, but immense sadness accompanied by a face that belongs to a person who always cries. I am sure that person was weeping at that moment and has probably been weeping for a considerable time lasting many days. I saw nothing but despair and helplessness. My only conclusion was that either this person probably lost her ambulatory abilities recently or that they finally could not handle the frustration of being incapable of moving by themselves.

So the scenario was that I was on a bridge that had a beautiful view but I stumbled across pain. At that moment my heart went out to that person but as usual, I was at a loss as to what I could even do to help. I moved on. I thought about this person along the remainder of the way but as I thought about my own tasks for the day the disabled person was out of my mind. It is as they say: Out of the sight, out of the mind.

What I say next applies to most people but not all.

I realize that we are lost.... lost in our own world.... lost in our own thoughts.... lost in ourselves. Others pains are only of a limited concern to us. Can we truly love and understand each other ? Can we truly care for each other ? Do we truly care or do we just use hollow words ? Is it all about convenience ? In my case..... it does seem to be so. I cannot seem to be able to being a smile on the people who are truly sad. I am a selfish person. I accept it. I only hope that I will be able to some day make a difference to someone who really needs it, not for the sake of feeling good about myself (which is what most people do) but to just know that I have helped. I seek contentment and not pleasure or happiness. I seek peace.

I wont go on about how the world will be a better place if we cared..... greater people have already preached these things and I am no one significant to repeat their words to others. I write this small article to just let people know what kind of a jerk I really am and that I want to be better than this. If you feel the same way I do then reflect and share with me your solution.

When you are honest and straightforward

I always believed that honesty is the best policy and also that it can get you in uncomfortable situations at times.

However, only over the past 1.5 years I started being more and more honest with myself. Previously I would be in extreme denial about some things, which would lead me to being in a slightly depressive state. But the honesty trait has changed that.

That reminds me of a quote of George Costanza  from Seinfeld:
"Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!"

Recently I also decided to adopt the being direct method along with honesty. My opinion (let us call it that which is a stand in for another word) was rejected but I felt no anger or pain, just relief. I cam able to move ahead. It could also be the fact that I am growing detached (not apathetic or sociopathic) which allows me to keep smiling even in the face of not having my expectations/desires being fulfilled.

Brothers... Sisters.... this is my new religion...... I have started doing the exact opposite of what I used to do before.This reminds me of another scene:

George : Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
Jerry: Bad.
George : Day was -
Elaine : Night.
George : Yes!
Jerry : So you just did the opposite of everything?
George : Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgement I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry : So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.

The Jiraya Syndrome

Now that I've gotten pretty far in life ( well at least much farther than I had ever expected to get ) I feel the need to question some of my past thoughts and behaviours.

For example, I, like most other males (and females for that matter) have craved for a partner who is good-looking and intelligent. But over the last one month I have been focusing a lot on my research and work for the sake of becoming a reasonably well-known person in my field. (My desire to be well-known is not for the sake of Fame but to be in contact smart people and learn from them.)

At this point of time I question my past desires with the following: Is the purpose of my life to woo a lady and live a happily ever after with her ? This question has been long coming since I have tried in many countless occasions ( actually 5 or 6 to be precise ) to impress females in the hopes that one day they might end up going out with me.  I have failed miserably all the times. It seems I do not have the ability to be smooth and say the right things at the right time. This is mostly because I end up saying whatever comes to my mind and for that matter I would prefer being honest and let the person themselves decide whether they would want to be with someone like me not. (What is the point of being Or pretending to be someone else ? it's all a farce and we already have too many masks on.)

In such a situation I think about Jiraya who also said the same thing. In fact my question above was posed originally by Jiraya. The more I think about, the more I understand that perhaps I am a lone wanderer who just wants to see the world and understand it (all of it). I am perhaps the person who is destined never to have the comfort of a female companion and I'm okay with that some reason, because I see that there are many many things that I can do. And perhaps some day I might find my  true calling which might elicit a response like: Aha!

What I can do right now is keep studying and working harder than ever before without looking to my left or my right and get distracted. And I have to be honest no matter what. It is after all the proverbial good policy.

Anyways this is just a random mumbling and I would suggest you not to take this too seriously.I shall just wait for the coin to land on the edge. Who knows perhaps something interesting this way comes ?